THUNDAH CRASHIN’

The only sound that puts me to sleep; the growl of his car and the engine in the sky. Time to dream.

A Buried Summer:

Some old thoughts [from an odd season] that I rediscovered in a dirty notebook:

“A brief history of me: Since 1993.
…Ever since that day - even as I basked at the feet of satan & drowned in my sin - I can honestly say that I have grown and matured in my relationship with God. As I dove into a life of spontaneous misdeeds, I soon became addicted to my lifestyle. Anything to get my adrenaline fix, you know? New &adventurous things fascinated me. The unknown was my ultimate desire. I told myself that God would forgive me, that he still loves me, and that it’ll be okay. My mindset was skewed towards the things of this world that I have often excused as pleasures that God has created for us.
…My family. In fear that my rebellion & run-ins with the law would destroy these precious/well-built/deserved reputations, my parents kept me a secret from the world. I sank deeper and deeper into this earth’s wonders. I was a sad child with my face hidden behind a brown paper bag my entire life; struggling to compare with my older sister held close to perfection in the eyes of others. Rather, I was a contrast. A contradiction to all expected norms.
…There were times when I hated [him]; for telling me that I don’t give a shit about my family, for telling me that I don’t have the capability to love (his exact words, mind you). Maybe I hated him because I knew that he was right.
…I came [here] to get away from my worsening depression at home, and to get away from [them] (whom I love, but their constant over-the-shoulder presence in my life was killing me). Right before I came [here], I didn’t want to know God anymore. I simply didn’t care. And this scared me because deep down somewhere in my black & bitter heart, I know that I need him.
…I expect that after growing and learning so much, I will return home. & slowly slip out of His arms & sink down into the lake of sorrow & bitterness, because this is a place that I have previously called home. But at the same time, I expect the unexpected.”

• “Love is not a feeling; Love is a choice.”

Excerpt from Letter to Miguel. The letter was never received.
“Miguel,
…He loves you even though you might not love yourself. He loves you even when you feel like no one else does. He loves you even when you don’t love Him back…”

• “Kick it with the most Wicked-“ 

Brief
“Bothered by a father figure, I remember the bars,
Forgotten scars spell a symphony from the tar in my heart.
Blackened and bitter; hardened from the very start,
I sought the awe in law broken; this is what I saw:
Ominous art among the city of stars,
All called nations starting to fall apart,
A pulsating language, adopted as ours,
And awestruck fathers copping looks from afar.”

-Placebo Relationship-
“Most hindrances in my walk are rooted in deep soils somewhere in my heart. My hard feelings against women are among these. The initial seed of hatred was planted within me at a young age. For as long as I can remember, I have had an easier time meeting with and relating to men. My memories of my first friendships in preschool and beyond all consist of boys; the majority of which I am still friends with today.
The seed slowly grew throughout the years as it was constantly watered by betrayal, verbal/physical abuse, snide remarks, unnecessary accusation, lies, & unfair judgement; all fed to me by women that I was acquainted with. Of course, I have been betrayed, lied to & hurt by men as well, but not near the extent as I have by women. So I believed.
Using my common sense, I figured that my chances of good relationship were miles higher with men than women. I subconsciously began to shit my entire lifestyle as i leaned on my male friends & slowly dropped my female counterparts. Suddenly, the type of girl that threw herself on every breathing male became an increasing nuisance; an immature child. That girl that laughed with a shrilling pitch made me sick. To me, women - as a general population - became over-reactive, dramatic, immature, two-faced, judgmental, exclusive, conceited, self-centered, tricky little bitches.”

6/18
“I still resort to pulling the heartstrings of sadness,
Letting go of the better things;
Strumming a love song to no one,
Dancing to a beat that never ends.
The holes in the knees of my favorite jeans
Are filled with forgotten stories,
On this road dubbed life, I am running,
From a haunting reoccurring theme.
I hide from the ones that have loved me the most,
Grab ahold of the ones that will cost me.
I would die without thought for the first of these,
But I live day after day for the latter.
The music will stop after years of playing;
No more chords of Victory,
The rope will be cut down by the first of these,
And the remnants be burnt by the latter.”

• “The only time we fear is when we are trusting the enemy, not the LORD.”

Undercut.
“Your lungs are heavy, but your head is light,
Your hands are stuck to your side as you fight all night.
So cry now, cry before the eyes of Christ
For the blind take pride in their worldly rights.—
I can lie to myself, and find the price is right,
Reside in diamonds, dope, death; I & I;
But fuck it, I can’t rely on this for life.
Dying in hiding isn’t worth one good night.—
Sure, take in the world; frost bite hits your lips.
Sit and reminisce in little sin; your tongue will split,
Spitting death, upon all those who live,
Fit this image of a quitter who swims in shit.—
But in everything that is, is to come, that has been,
I live in a guilt that surpasses my skin.
Music spinning in my blood; thick gone thin.
Sitting split down the middle of a beast and King.” 

-JamieJamesChang